We’ve all wondered at some point what it means for our relationship when someone wants to go out without us. Most of us have texted someone we’re interested in and they’ve been slow to respond to a text message saying “Good morning.” You might have wondered why you weren’t invited to a party and how much people actually want you in their group. Does this mean you have abandonment issues?
Not necessarily, says psychotherapist Hasti Afkhami, who specializes in trauma therapy. As she explains, abandonment issues stem from a deep-rooted fear or anxiety of possible rejection or loss. Although feelings of abandonment can arise for small reasons, such as One day your best friend is a little distant, what's really happening to you stems from a deep past, when a parent or caregiver (or even a partner you were deeply attached to) was distant, unavailable, inconsistent, or even abusive.
If such significant relationships had similar characteristics, it may have caused a trauma that appears in subsequent ones, even with people whose loyalty you have no reason to doubt. That's why, Afkhami emphasizes, it's important to recognize the signs that you have abandonment issues as a first step to feeling safe again.
What indicates that you have abandonment issues
1. You are very attached and constantly seek reassurance
People with abandonment issues can feel anxious even with the suspicion that the other person is keeping a distance. So they desperately try to preserve their precious sense of security by clinging to them too much. It's not that they just want their company: They're overly dependent on the other person to feel good.
"It's like your inner wounded child is desperately in need of love and affection that they didn't get when they were younger," Afkhami says. "That's why you're waiting by your phone for a response or why you might repeatedly ask the other person, 'Are you mad at me? Do you still love me?'"
2. You base your self-worth on someone else's actions
When you have abandonment issues, you interpret small changes in the other person (e.g., your partner wanting to go out with friends one night or your favorite coworker canceling your plans to go out that night) as proof that they no longer want you or love you.
Then, thoughts like “I must have done something wrong – I always screw up” or “People always leave me for someone better.” Because of your past experiences, when relationships, for example, in your family, were unpredictable or abruptly cut off, your instinct automatically concludes that something is wrong with your character. This can trigger not only your anxiety, but also intense panic.
3. You push people away before they can leave you
There are people with abandonment issues who sabotage their relationships, believing that this way they are protecting themselves from the pain of another rejection.
They may withdraw when things start to go well or get serious, avoiding the sensitive conversations that build real intimacy. They may even start arguments with a partner, accusing them of not caring enough because they didn't say "I love you" before leaving for work in the morning, or threatening to leave over a petty argument. The general idea is: If I leave first, I won't get hurt. "The problem, though, is that these self-sabotaging behaviors will end up preventing you from creating the deep, warm relationships that you really crave," says the psychotherapist.
4. You try to please others to stay
When you're afraid that someone will leave you, you may start to bend your own wants and needs in order not to lose them. So you may say "yes" to everything they suggest (even if you're on the verge of exhaustion) and pretend that you like the same things or have the same opinions so that you feel close. The hard truth is that hiding who you really are will not only make relationships difficult, but it will also make you more anxious that your loved ones will leave the moment they see the real you.
5. You overanalyze every little interaction, looking for what they might be hiding.
Even when your significant other assures you that everything is fine between you, your mind may remain on high alert, searching for signs that indicate otherwise.
“Abandonment issues create a hypervigilance, as if you’re looking for a self-fulfilling prophecy,” says Afkhami. “You’re looking for evidence that they’re going to leave you. So the slightest moment when the other person isn’t paying attention to you confirms what you’ve grown to believe constitutes abandonment.”
So, you may read a message over and over again, looking at the words or punctuation, and conclude that if it's not so careful, the other person doesn't care. Or you may connect unrelated moments (the time they didn't laugh at a video you sent) to confirm the narrative you've created. All of these are classic signs that your anxieties are catching up with you again: You've been neglected again, so your mind is trying to protect you and prepare you for the worst, even when everything is essentially going well.
Can these issues be overcome?
The first step is to recognize that you have abandonment issues. The safest way to do this is in collaboration with a psychotherapist who will help you discover your childhood traumas, process them in a safe environment, and learn healthier strategies to build safer relationships.
You can of course try without help, for example by applying relaxation techniques when you get stressed or by taking care of yourself with activities that make you feel good, grounded.
In any case, Afkhami concludes, try as much as possible to remind yourself that the fact that you were abandoned in the past does not mean that it will happen again. Over time, with support and self-compassion, you will begin to feel more and more secure in your relationships. And you will begin to believe that your past does not define who you are or how much love you deserve.
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