6 BEHAVIORS THAT MAY COME FROM SHAME

 

It's not always easy to see, but shame can be hidden behind your humor, your overwhelming perfectionism, or your need not to bother anyone.


Shame is a universal emotion. We've all felt it at some point. It's what we feel when we can't escape the judgmental gaze of others, it's the moment when we feel insignificant, when we feel bad about ourselves, and we wish the Earth would open up and swallow us.

On the one hand, it can be a protective emotion, functioning as a self-defense mechanism, for example. On the other hand, it can become problematic, leaving people who experience it weakened and stressed.
Shame vs. Guilt


People often talk about shame and guilt as if they are the same thing, but they are not. The difference is that when we feel shame, we view ourselves negatively (“I did something terrible”), while when we feel guilt, we view a specific action negatively (“I did SOMETHING terrible”). Guilt is associated with “something we do,” while shame is associated with “who we are.”

Furthermore, guilt is a sign that we can function with empathy , see the other person's perspective, behave altruistically, and cultivate loving relationships. When we feel guilt, we turn our gaze outward and seek strategies to reverse the damage we have caused. On the other hand, when we feel shame, we turn our attention inward , focusing primarily on the emotions that are overwhelming us.

Getting rid of guilt is often easier than overcoming shame , because society offers ways to atone for the wrongs we have committed, such as apologizing, paying a fine, or serving a prison sentence. Shame, however, is persistent. It is much easier to apologize than to accept ourselves. And this feeling of shame often sends silent signals.
Where can it be hiding?
“Sorry… again”: Are you overdoing it with apologies, even when it’s not your fault? People driven by shame tend to apologize even for their existence! They try to take up as little space as possible, assume they are a burden to others, and believe deep down that they are not worth bothering anyone with.
You say "yes" to everything: You always agree with everything, you say "yes" even when you want to say "no", you avoid conflict and you constantly try to keep those around you happy. Perhaps the thought that goes through your mind is that you are only worthy when you satisfy others.
You chase perfection: “If I make one wrong move, they’ll see who I really am,” you think. You spend hours preparing, correcting, thinking. The pursuit of perfection, as you experience it, is not a sign of self-confidence, but fear in disguise.
Constant self-deprecation: You are the first to make fun of yourself and phrases like "I'm so stupid" or "I'm not good at this job" come out of your mouth. In this way, you try to forestall a potential negative criticism. You put yourself down before someone else does.
You keep your distance from those around you: In essence, you avoid showing your most vulnerable side. You keep communication with those around you on a superficial level and don't touch on things that require you to overcome your fear of opening up and diving deep.
You push people away: You sabotage your relationships, friends, family, partners. You put up walls or you leave. You assume that others will abandon you first, so you try to catch up with them.

In closing, remember that shame doesn't shout, it whispers. To confront it, you need to listen to it, acknowledge it, soften its voice, and pave the way toward self-acceptance.